"Don`t waste time with the guy who`s fooling you for a long time now" -- One of my Kuya`s said this. I won`t mention his name for i want to protect him. :) I was definitely hurt when i read this message from my CP. I almost collapsed when i read it. -- OA? But FACT it is. O_O I asked myself a lot of questions .. so, was that all lies? the calls? the messages? the I43`s? the sweet glances? the moments in the bus? and etc. etc! I was pissed that time and i hated him. I didn`t like the way he did everything! It was like, i`m so tanga for not discovering it earlier. After everything, I stopped hating him for I realized it`s not good. Planting hatred would complicate things! -.- So, back as friends. Called him KUYA in his very special day, and I think he smelled something that time. I knew a bit of him (i won`t say a LOT since I don`t bond with him always & we only had a short time of communicating.), he knows everytime i have a problem with him or something. He`s mature enough. And me, i`m still going there. Anyway, back to the MAIN topic. Talked to him even though i don`t want to. Pretended to be fine. Smiled even though I`m freakin` sad. Again, I became blind with the reality. The reality which is hard to accept, hard to face, hard to encounter (and that sounds redundant! :) LOL) Being with him these past few days hides all the pain that i feel. I mean, even though, i can see CLEARLY the answers, but i still take it for granted. Because, honestly, I still wish and hope that he`s the one for me :'( He`s nice. But there`s still a big part of his life that i don`t know. Even a single fact thing. One idea popped in my mind, what if he really has a GIRLFRIEND? `coz if he really loves me, why would he not find to spend time with me? Or even call me? Or text me? This is worse! I`m going crazy thinking of things. I heard a lot of convictions from other people about him concerning this GF thing. But according to him, he doesn`t have one. Though, i can feel that there`s really something. A something which i`m afraid is TRUE, as in, a FACT. I saw him this day chatting through his CP. He looks problematic after those calls. I don`t want to judge who that person is, but i just can`t stop myself from thinking. Thinking. Thinking. Thinking. And yeah, THINKING. It made me crazy. But as I`m facing my Kuya, and he saw everything that`s happening, his words meant something. To summarize everything, he told me a story which is quite related to mine. Here it goes: There is a guy (REALIZE) who`s in a relationship with the girl who`s always there with him. But even though, he was in a relationship, he had a textmate (w/c would turn out to be ME), and he unexpectedly LIKED the girl. He wanted to court his textmate but he`s confused `coz he doesn`t want to leave his girlfriend .. and my Kuya said to the guy that he`s playing safe! And it`s not good. `coz it`s like pinapaasa lang ni guy ang textmate nya! -- and that was it. The story which was connected with mine. I was shocked to hear this thing. I don`t wanna react more `coz i don`t want to let everyone see the pain that i feel. If you`re reading this Mr. Realize, correct me if i`m wrong, i bet you have a girlfriend. And the story that Kuya said me was the same as yours. Right? I don`t know what would happen next. `coz me, myself, i don`t wanna move on. I don`t know what I currently feel `coz I look like okay but i`m really not. I`m smiling, laughing, acting normally, but i think my heart`s abnormal. -.- I don`t know. I don`t know. I don`t know.
God, please help HIM to be true! I hope he`ll tell me everything! Everything that i need to know! `coz i`m STUCKED. STUCKED with worries & negative thoughts!
But Mr. Realize, if it`s really true, i don`t know how will i forgive you,
or
if i could still afford to forgive you!
