if someone would ask me about it, i don`t really know what to answer. :) it`s because, i can`t identify what state i`m in concerning that thing. some knows about my fanatical love life, some doesn`t know, & some doesn`t totally care about it. i already met a lot of guys in my life, since Nursery to Kinder to my Elementary years & presently, in my HS life. honestly, i like loads of guys. haha. LIKE, in a way that i admire them, either with their - looks, personality, talent, & etc. etc. but my heart fell with just one person, who i never thought, would be the love of my life. (the present & hopefully my future :p) NOTE: this guy i`m referring to isn`t my boyfriend. i don`t really have a boyfriend since birth, & uh, i`m really saying the truth. :) anyway, back with the main topic (the love of my life thing, haha). i met him through text (October 2006) & he have been my textmate for the remaining days in October `till December. ^__^ i never thought i would like him, because @ first, i really don`t like him. he`s like, super mahangin. mahangin in a way that, he feels like he have a big chance to replace my ka - MU that time (PJ). & like, i super hate it, since i LIKE PJ a lot. haha. then, things went well between the two of us. we always communicate that time, & like, we`re officially lovers. :) after some days or weeks i think, he confessed that he likes me. :p actually, before we were textmates, i noticed him always looking @ me. like, super strange look. but i can see through his eyes, that "he likes me!", really. we girls have something in us, which is really not RARE. we could read other guys`s mind by looking @ their eyes. wee. :) he said, he got my number through a b`card, & i believed with that thing until i found out the real origin on where he got my number. haha. he`s really funny. :p anyway, after how many weeks of texting him, i felt something which i never felt before. i still don`t know yet, but i referred it as "crush". :) then, i told him that i`ve got a crush on him, and it`s true. ^__^ still, i felt something super duper strange feeling, & i still couldn`t tell what that feeling is, since it was the first time i felt that certain feeling. then, after how many months passed, i knew what that feeling is - L O V E. really. until such time, i met him personally, & i talked with him & sat beside him & the like. XD for me, it was totally "kilig". since it was the very first time that i was with him. :) & that`s it. things went complicated (for me) when he was elected as one of the executive officers in SSC. (i won`t mention the exact position, it might give you a clue. haha) we lost communication, but we rarely see each other. since, we (irish & others) are also busy conducting COSOCRED`s thing - Ratsada `07. :) we were the organizers & SSC are the ones backing us up. so, like, we still see each other. a lot had happened after it. they were a lot of issues, which are really not a JOKE (For me). i heard that, he & my girl schoolmate are ON, i know you know what i mean. i was really shocked when i heard that thing, & i really can`t believe @ first. but since, we lost this thing, called - communication, i came to believe on what my best friends has said. it was really difficult to handle, & i was really affected with it. super affected. & then, after how many days, i saw him. O.o i don`t really want to see him that time, because i`m not yet ready to face him & talk to him. (it was difficult to pretend that time.) so, what i did was, i never talked to him, i never said HI to him, it was like super - deadma. i`m trying to focus with some Ratsada`s problems that time, but i really can`t stop thinking about him. then, he approached me. i was so afraid to talk to him, i was covered with fear. T_T i saw his eyes, super sad, you can see the sadness within him. he said `he wanted to talk to me`, and so i said `sure`. =\ he heard what news i got that time, and he explained to me all the things i didn`t know about them (he & the girl). he said, "it was not true", & he didn`t even court her. they were just PLAIN textmates, according to him. my mind was starting to get confused, on who to believe. it was really confusing, superbly. because of those confusions, i talked to the girl, personally. :) he didn`t know about this, & i don`t want him to know this thing. i asked the girl, of what`s really their status? & if they`re not really in a relationship, why did she announced that thing? (`coz according to my friends, the girl told them that he & her are officially in a relationship), so that`s it. the only thing the girl said to me, is this: "dili man gyud actually kami, ambot kung ngano na gigawas nga issue. sila raman gud ga buot-buot ug sturya". then, deep inside, i said - OKAY! and so after it, i didn`t bother to care about that thing. even though it`s left unanswered, i decided not to think about it anymore. because it`s ruining my life. :) & then after it, we STILL lost our communication. i wasn`t able to hold my emotions. so, i opened up my feelings to one of my ate`s in FS - ate Lalaine. i told her, that i felt like, he`s playing girls. that`s always the thing that keeps on pumping out of my mind. & then, UNEXPECTEDLY, he read what i wrote in ate Lalaine`s comments. (August 21, 2007) he then called me, he told me to explain everything about what he had read. & like, nothing goes out of my mouth. since, i`m super depressed that time. i tell you, that day was the worst day of my life. a lot of things changed after it. i became a "crying" girl, & i started to believe that - there`s no good happening in my life. T_T i`m really guilty, until now. thinking that i have hurt him a lot. a lot. a lot. but i can`t bring back the past anymore, because it`s done. :( after that incident, we haven`t talk for how many weeks. not months, since, i was able to approach him in the Intramurals Week. i know he was still hurt that time, but he is trying to keep it. ( i can see it in his eyes actually) after that, things went well. & i kept on saying sorry to him. but he always says that "okay rato oi." naah, i know it`s not okay & it will never be okay. :( i have then heard a lot of things "again" about him. different issues. different origins. different stories. & it was like, "aaaaah. i`m going crazy!" & the thought that would always come in my mind is - I need to move on. really. i attempted to move on, how many times, but none of it was successful. i even changed my number just to get rid of him. but still, he was able to get my number & he would always have the chance to call me or text me. actually, we don`t always text. :) we don`t always communicate since he is really busy with his work, carrier & everything. once a month, he would txt me or sometimes call me & like, we`re having a "long distance relationship". haha. well, anyway. last December, i was super hurt with what he texted me, "i know you`re happy, and don`t worry, i could work this out nah." it was like, HA? he said, someone told him that i have a NEW special someone & we are working everything`s up, like HELLO? that`s a very sh*t thing. :) nah. & it was like that. my CMAS, & NEW YEAR was cold because he hadn`t shown up. he didn`t even greet me a Happy New Year & like it was, SAD. :( uh, i then thought of moving on, AGAIN. haha. toink. because i found out that things are not doing well. like, i`m just the only one who`s alive & uh. i don`t really understand. my mind was fixed that i should really move, but then my heart was insisting that i shouldn`t. O.o have you tried feeling that thing? naah. it`s super difficult. :D really. but again, it end up following my heart. :) naaah. in the first week of classes this year, i was like super craving to see him, since i haven`t seen him for more than a week! gosh. it`s hard missing him, but i`m getting used to it. :) we don`t always see each other actually, & i don`t often see him @ school. & i super wonder why. hehe. maybe he`s too busy with some other things. :p then, we had the chance to be together when we went to Davao for the Student Leaders Summit. :) i felt his love that time talaga. & like, it was super sweet. i won`t tell the events here `coz i prefer to keep it private. haha. XD i hope that thing would happen again. but i think, it would be very impossible. he`s more busy now. & like, i`m thinking that i should set aside this love story first & concentrate more in my academics. i believe that their is really a happy ending for this, with God`s help & guidance. i`m always praying for him, & also for us. :) i don`t know what will happen if i will lose him. that would then be the lowest point of my life.
PS: the name of this guy will remain to be a secret, until he would become my first boyfriend. :)
if it will turn out that i would be seeing some other guy, & he would become my first boyfriend, HIS name will be SECRET forever. XD
I LOVE HIM & nothing`s gonna change my love for him. ^_____________^
I love you, Dear! :p
